guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
