Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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