worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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