I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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