textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
