Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
