Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
