You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
