If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
