Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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