Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
