She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
