Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
