Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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