why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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