Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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