My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
