she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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