He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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