i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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