I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
