who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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