I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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