I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I love having hate sex.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
