sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
