Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
