Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
