I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
