if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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