i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
