i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
