How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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