I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
