the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
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I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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