Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
