ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
