if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How's work?
Spinning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
