I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
