My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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