Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
