I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
