Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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