Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
