You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
