My first STD was from a foam party
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
