dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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