just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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