After last night, I could never be a politician.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!