I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.