im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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