mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
