when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
