I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
