I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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