i just wanna soil my oats bro
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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