I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
