I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
