you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
