your thong is hanging out like whoa
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
