All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
