new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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